Eventually

Let go and let God.

Been told again and again and again to do so but I never was able to do it. Seems funny why I couldn't bring myself to do so. Prolly because I am the sort of person who totally held on to the principle of "if you fail to plan you plan to fail" lol how stupid was that? And when it hits me so hard, I realised that I'm only human. God's plans are 871356723217367627236127 times way prettier than mine.

I let God take the wheels away from my hands and leave it 100% to him to decide whatever comes next. Put in the utmost I can give, and have prayed so hard for the best of everyone.

Be it school stuff, be it the career path perfect for me, be it the person I would wake up to every morning, basically everything, I'm letting Him decide.

And I swear it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I don't get affected. I don't feel shizzy. Neither do I get so much hurt by any sort of words or actions. Because I believe that whatever happened or will happen is what's best.

The joys of teaching

Well I'm back to teaching before the studying begins in November and it definitely feels good to be back! I got the teaching offer from the second school I ever taught in my whole teaching experience. The school is relatively new so when I was there two years back, there were only the year 1s and the year 2s. And now that I'm here again, the school is actually now filled up with students up to year 4 who will be the first batch to sit for their O-level examinations this year!

That aside, last Thursday we had a Teachers' Day celebration in school and I'm honored to be part of this joyous event! The kids had Taekwondo as their ACES day exercise in which after there was a concert and wrapped up the day with individual class parties. Teachers' and staff were invited to a Appreciation dinner in the evening. It's my first time attending a dinner as a teacher of a school and I thought that it was quite a historic moment lol. Yummy foods, pretty dresses!

It is so touching every time my previous year 1s and 2s (who now are year 3s and 4s) run to me, screaming my name and telling me that they are elated to see me. But there are also a bunch who completely couldn't recognise me. Lol no surprise also since I am now wearing the hijab. And sadly, I'm not teaching them as I'm being given the lower secondary classes. Oh well.

Okay but that's not the whole point.

The whole point here is, I'm so thankful I'm being given this opportunity to spread my knowledge, to share what I've learnt, to guide, to teach. Coming back here made me realise that this job is not only inspirational but is a blessing. You teach the kids what they need to know, you correct their mistakes, you lend a listening ear if need be. But what you get in return is definitely God-giving. You learn patience, you understand complexities, you appreciate differences, you combat negativities, you inhale anger and exhale love, and most importantly you become a better individual.

I dedicate this Teachers' Day to my teachers whom have imparted their knowledge to me in which I am now sharing with my own students, to my students whom on the other hand have taught me too many things I'm grateful for, to my parents who are always making me be the best that I can be and never stop educating me each and everyday and to everyone else whom have corrected my mistakes and contributed to me growing into the lady that I am. Lots of love for all of you wonderful human beings!

Hari Raya with friends and cousins

Okay so basically hi everybody mehehehehehe today is basically the last day of raya so here's the photos of basically beraya-ing with friends and cousins which were snapped on camera!

Totally had a fun time going for house visiting with the secondary school clique! Didn't know Student's Council would bring us together like this and even though we're all going through different paths, the bittersweet memories of those days we were walking around with the two stripes on our collar, excusing ourselves from class for duties, the flag raising ceremony every morning, training juniors, planning and executing the whole secondary one orientation camp and literally having a whole lotta fun despite the heavy responsibility of being leaders, keep us together.

Just like the good old days, I had a great time with this bunch of hobos. And lol I get to drive out dad's car for the first time ever and I'm glad it was with you guys because 3/4 of us can drive so I feel more secured ha ha ha ha ha.

Well doesn't mean Hanifah and Qush are in Egypt, it means that you guys cannot beraya at my place so gurls pls. Haiyo so honoured to have abang-abang Al-Azhar coming over for raya. Actually I am happy to have friends like you, like I've learnt quite a lot from you guys. And you, yes you, if you're reading this, come back soon! (: IMMA HOLLA AT YOU GUYS NEXT YEAR IN BAJU KURUNG FOR RAYA INSYA ALLAH.

Well well well look who we have here if it's not my mean girls lol aka mentels aka baby girls aka college sweethearts aka you-girls-cray-but-I-still-love-you-all heeheehee. Had an awesome time click-clacking my way through (four of our) houses and driving around in a frickin Estima like whaaaaaaaaaat it is so fun I swear.

I can't stop harping on how excited I am for Fatin's wedding next year like fhahfaufuwegquwgdeguysadcc. Thank you girlies for waddling with me in heels and trusting me and Fatin to drive the humongous car. You girls are like my sisters and I'm so blessed to have met all three of you because you've been having my back irregardless of whatever happens. I'm so thankful for that. Love you babies :*

COUSINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS AKA THE SIANTURIS. Okay that's all I have for my cousins. I mean we're related by blood so mehehehehehehe and Sarah, I still can't get over the fact that you're in Aussie ughhhhhhhhhhh okay love you guys

Good manners

What is deemed as beautiful:

• being size 10 or smaller
• flawless skin
• pretty face
• silky hair
• straight set of teeth
• slim pair of legs
• slender body
• flat tummy
• a big round pair of eyes
• high cheekbones
• perfect eyebrows

What is really beautiful:

• kind words
• thoughtfulness
• lending a helping hand
• a sincere smile
• patience
• being considerate
• respecting one another
  
  I guess sometimes people forget what's important. Nowadays regardless of whatever, the physical appearance is being given the attention. What pleases the eyes, is seen as beautiful. It's just like buying something for the sake of looking good in it, forsaking its quality. Human beings today place more importance in the way they look rather than the way they behave or the way they speak. The society we live in shape us this way so therefore holding tight to faith will help us stay rooted to what is beautiful and not what is deemed beautiful. Don't be quick to judge what is seen by the eyes. Its what is inside which compliments what your eyes place its sight on (:

Rindu

kalau di angin—
kau terbangkanlah

kalau di lautan—
kau timbulkanlah

kalau di daratan—
kau munculkanlah

kalau di kayangan—
kau turunkanlah

dekatkanlah
kerana;
kami masih menjauh.

What's meant to be will be

Separuh nafasku
Ku hembuskan untuk cintaku
Biar rinduku sampai kepada bidadariku

Kamu segalanya tak terpisah oleh waktu
Biarkan bumi menolak ku tetap cinta kamu
Biar mamamu tak suka, papamu juga melarang
Walau dunia menolak ku tak takut, tetap ku katakan ku cinta dirimu

Karena kamu bintang di hatiku, takkan ada yang lain
Mampu goyahkan rasa cintaku padamu

Sudah jangan kau usik lagi; cinta yang tertanam di hati
Akan ku bawa sampai mati

Having to let go even when you're still in love and knowing it is for the best hurts so much more than letting go because feelings have faded or there's a third party involvement. The idea of not being able to be together regardless of how much you both know it's worth it all, simply kills. Worst, is when knowing blessings from the parents are not guaranteed. Letting go there and then makes the heart sink to a bottomless pit. Have faith. Paths will cross if it's destined by God (:

“My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me.”  -ابو عبدالله محمد بن إدريس الشافعيّ

Confused baby confused

So so so so so so so so confused that I don't exactly know what I'm confused about. I mean, idk what I did wrong, or what I said that was wrong. Just because I can't quite understand the point you're making, doesn't mean what I feel is invalid. And doesn't mean you don't get what I'm trying to say, it makes it all ridiculous. Apparently human beings are selective in what they want to retain in their minds due to their own perspectives on things. But then again you have the rights to be angry, despite the whole "kosong-kosong" thinggy (the idea of the scoreboard being 0-0 after asking for forgiveness during Hari Raya). Meanwhile I will just keep mum since I did apologise alr for the stuff I said.

ERGHMAGAD IT'S ALMOST MAKING ME EXPLODE BUT I AIN'T LETTING IT GET ON MY LAST NERVES (heh it doesn't feel nice). And I'm totally like so frickin confused. I guess this is how people are like in general. We're selfish, and wishes others' to see what we see when we put in such little effort to do the same, thus creating misunderstandings and there and then negative feelings pop up and just make the whole situation more topsy turvy than it is. 

I'm just gonna shut up lol like it's so much better to keep quiet and let it all die down rather than kick up a fuss about things (: because I really don't need these sort of negativity now in my life. Let's all just take a moment and convert that negative energy to a positive one and then be happy yay.

I honestly can't wait for the new school year to start. Like srsly. It is so boringggggggggggg for me to just do um nothing ha ha ha. Okaylah I'm free to do hari raya visiting and learn things I've been wanting to learn but then again, can't help but wanting to do school-work also. I'm so weird. Like I would complain if I have too many assignments due and would complain if I'm on term break like Shahirah pls get a grip of yourself. And I miss my girls, and well I miss bb :( haiyo happy days pls come soon.

Salam Aidilfitri

The first day of Aidilfitri, the whole family decided to don purple baju kurungs! Yes Fluffy included. The spring-cleaning part was definitely tiring, but when the house was all sparkly and pretty, it was worth the exhaustion. All the cookies are baked by mumsy! Personally I dislike the idea of buying hari raya cookies simply because the fun of preparing for lebaran, is the cookie baking. Mum prepared six kinds of yummy cookies and since I'm bad at being in the kitchen, I just help her with the whole preparation and cleaning heehee.

Fluffy joined us in visiting our beloved grandparents and yes he was in his purple baju kurung. He hated being in the center of attention and he was feeling warm the whole time (since this fluff of ball sleeps in aircon errday everyday). But anyway we snapped a family photo together and it was so fun and as usual, Fluffy doesn't like being around a lot of people but he was definitely adored by everybody! My granny is so adorable; the whole time Fluffy was there she'd pay attention to him and cats being cats, he was playing the I'm-not-gonna-give-any-reaction-if-you-don't-have-foods-for-me game.

As Hari Raya this year falls on a Monday, everything was in a rush and kinda messy. So I got home feeling so tiring and wanting to throw my heels outta the window. HEELS IRREGARDLESS OF THE PRICE/BRAND, HURTS LIKE MAD UGH. But anyway, had so much fun meeting the loved ones and just gobbling down all the yummy foods there is!

On a more serious note, I would like to extend my apologies to everybody for the things I've said or done which have might hurt you. Let's start a new chapter this lebaran and be better human beings! On behalf of the Sianturis, I would also like to wish those who celebrate Hari Raya, Minal Aidil Wal Faizin Maaf Zahir dan Batin (: Have a pretty Raya everybody!

Exhaustion

So many things running through my mind now. Toughen up dear heart. Happy days will come soon.

Okay what

RAYA IS NEXT WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK AKA IN TWO DAYS TO COME. Mehehehehehe actually I'm only looking forward to spend time with my family. It's not often that everybody gathers together. Furthermore with the new pair of twin cousins and the little blob of cuteness aka Sayf, I'm so excited to just see these fluffs of qtpatootie!

Remember the whole asthma episode I had? Since it's spring cleaning season too as lebaran is coming, every crook and canny must be dust-free so this asthmatic girly puts on her N95 mask to clean the house. A N95 MASK GUYS. I. CAN. HEAR. MYSELF. BREATHING. VERY. CLEARLY. WHEN. I. PUT. THAT. MASK. ON.

On a more brighter note, Fluffy's stroller just arrived today! It's so cute like an actual baby carrier. People were like "you're really getting your cat a stroller ah?" (even dad was like whaaaaaaaaaaat) and I went like yup that is right. I don't think it's a waste of money neither is it ridiculous because my cat is part of the family and this kitty is an indoor cat so he is not able to step out of the house. The only way he gets to breathe in fresh air is when I bring him out for walks. And this stroller will make it more comfortable for this little guy to bask in the outside world. He totally loves being in the stroller - when we put him in he'd be in a relax position just enjoying the view. 

Heeh okay too much heart-stopping moments for a day; from almost dying explaining things to someone who refuses to understand, to giving up in trying to be nice to someone who should stop waiting, and to trying to decipher what's being said. So goodnight human beings!

Lacking

I'm lacking in thousands of ways. Like what rights do I have to even have the thought to end up with someone like you? Only God knows how I'm feeling now.

Goodnight.

All at once

Time please stop

Guess who's sick? Fever. Runny nose. Phlegm. Yes my face is pale. My nose is all oogey. I cuddle up under my comforter alone while my sister use another comforter. My boney fingers are icy now. What's worst is that I feel as though my asthma is coming back. There's a little wheezing and I almost died of difficulty in breathing while carrying and cleaning fluffy after his visit to the litter box :(

I feel so helpless. But I also feel like having Takoyaki balls. My attempt in sewing this cute top failed so off to get a ready-made top and keep improving my sewing skills. I've hurt myself countless times in the kitchen this Ramadan that I think I should stay outta it for the safety of myself and others around me ha ha ha phail.

Honestly, I just want to be happy. What's sad that I found myself crying, while hyperventilating and clenching my fist, gritting my teeth just so that I don't make a sound. Verily with hardship comes ease. So baby, be patient, chin up, everything's gonna be fine.

:(

Oh Allah if he is destined for me, and I'm destined for him,  please protect us under the restrictions of syariah. But if he is not fated for me, and I'm not fated for him, then please distance me away from the thoughts of him and distance him away from thinking of me.

I just want to be happy, please

Happy wishlist:

1. Coffee Bean's Caesar salad with salmon
2. Iftar with the Sianturis
3. Go on an eating spree at the bazaar
4. Parcels to be delivered to my doorstep
5. Fly out of Singapore
6. To finally settle down with the other fated half
7. Meet people who matters
8. SPRINGCLEANING AND COOKIE BAKING
9. Have cupcakes
10. For all sorts of violence around the world to stop

I have been craving for caesar salad like you guys have no idea. Went to pick up Sarah at the airport yesterday. She flew in from Perth and slept over at my place before going back to her own home to surprise her mum. On a happy note, her little brother is the most adorable baby omg I keep wanting to kiss his fat cheeks! He simply just smiles and laughs and he rarely cries.

Yes meet the ever so cute Sayf Sulaiman Sianturi heehee he's the third hope for us Sianturis in continuing the family name. SUCH A QTPIE I TELLL YOU. Anyway since I was at Woodlands, met Luqman too. Oh bruh, everything's gonna be fine soon so just hold on tight and endure this torturing four months to come and you'll be done okay! You're not gonna lose me for the sake of God so pls I'm always here if you need a listening ear (:

So many things have been going on. And it's making me feel weird. All my girls have found someone they are settling down with and by this, it's like applying-for-a-house kinda serious settling down shiz aka plans to get hitched. I'm so happy for my girlies I swear since yknow they alr found someone they see a future with and guys, then there's me. Like where's my prince charming? That idiot must be lost on his way to finding me or smth lul.

Anyway I just need the strength to overcome some feelings. And it's just so tiring :'(